THE PENANCE

Savita Desai was a pretty lady. The two scores of life she had already lived sat light on her young shoulders. She had poise and confidence, which gave glimpses of good grooming over years. But all that could not sustain the marital boat she had been riding for the last seven years. It was a roughshod ride right from the onset.

As Savita waited her eternal wait for Mr. Desai to arrive back from his never ending business activities on their 23rd floor, penthouse apartment in Bombay, her mind traced back to the time she met Mr. Desai for the first time.

It was on the Air-India flight. Savita was coming back from New York after a two months stay with her sister Namrata and family. This was her third visit to States and back. By now she was familiar with the formalities of the journey. The novelty had worn off. They had landed in Damascus. It was a transit halt. She was in no mood to alight from the plane. Mr. Desai the passenger in the next set was relaxed browsing thorough a magazine. The plane had deserted look with most of the passengers down, perhaps to collect some bargain shopping from the duty free counters. Savita looked side ways at her companion. To tell the truth, she was enamored by the co-passenger right from the start. The tall, nonchalant and handsome companion had kindled her curiosity. Her attempts to strike a conversation with out loosing her dignity and poise had come to naught. He hardly seemed to have noticed her, what with his pre occupations with his briefcase and calculator there seemed to be hardly any room for any one. This only fuelled Savita's interest, who got more determined to catch his attention. But now after spending seven long years with Mr. Desai she knew all that was a facade.

Well to cut the story short Savita in the trip did succeed not only catching his eye but the small interlude in the trip developed to a raging romance. The three short months of their courtship was always high on drama and emotion involving some nail biting uncertain wait near the phone. That when Mr. Desai proposed at the sea rock hotel over the spread of a richly laid table, she had thought in desperation such a moment will never come and she was eager like a child to accept the diamond ring he slipped on her finger with such aplomb and confidence or conceit now to think over that he did not think it was necessary to ask her consent in the high drama of taking her as his wife.

She was almost like a puppy led in the first years of their marriage, always waiting to carry every whim of Mr. Desai, like a bounded horse, she could neither see left or right.

Looking back her life with Mr. Desai had been one long wait, the hours and days spend initially during courtship feverishly waiting for him to come for lunch, waiting for his evening return which used to get later and later as months passed with nothing to do between one wait and another wait waiting for him to talk some endearments, to get a look of tenderness, empathy, understanding, waiting for him to take her out. Her world was dominated only by Mr. Desai’s personality. She seemed to have become a cocoon imprisoned in the threads of Mr. Desai’s wealth, position and needs, While Mr. Desai remained an enigma, always impeccable in manners. But there it was like an improbable wall; she could never touch him or unburden herself. She always felt foolish and small at few times she had tried to paint her numerous fears, thoughts, euphoria’s, depressions in words to Mr. Right. He always had a knack of looking through her that she used to end up hastily eating her words and take the role of a faithful puppy waiting on him.

What Mr. Desai did for a living was still a mystery to her. His numerous foreign jaunts and business talks were planned and orchestrated out of her orbit, that initially she dare not ask him any questions about his affairs, later she totally lost interest that she almost approved of Desais action of not including her in the matters of power and decision.

Initially she accompanied him to the foreign tours with a glee of a child, carefully planning the wardrobe with high expectations of seeing the new lands. But being left in cold hotel rooms for hours, the destinations hardly made any difference. The colors of the hotel room hosiery and curtains used to blend with one another leaving a vacant blur of colors as memory of the places visited, that she left joining him in the meaningless trips and also she was not called for.

It is hard to tell when Savita the self confident women, appreciated for her wit and charm in the college became the after glow of Mr. Desai, an adorable puppy, a mere satellite and when this Mrs. Desai became a rebel.

Perhaps things might not have turned so bad if like every normal couple they had a couple of siblings and Mrs. Desai would have become pre occupied bringing up the wards to perfection. That would have removed the void, which was steadily stealing in to her soul. But that was not to be. The couple of abortions left her guilty and worthless, with no warmth of Mr. Desai to engulf her she had seriously contemplated suicide. After the initial yrs Mr. Desai had stopped troubling her and there had been no serious attempt to redeem the situation, again there was a thick veil of communication gap on the topic and Mrs. Desai had not dared to pierce it.

Its hard to tell when Mrs. Savita became a rebel that today she was waiting impatiently for Mr. Desai to return to serve him the divorce degree, carefully worded and prepared by the lawyer who had charged her full Rs. 2000 to write it up.

Her spirits were high. She almost felt like a young girl. With a stroke of a pen she will manage to erase the seven long empty years and walk out free. She did not want any alimony. It was almost like she hated the thought of money. Perhaps if they had been poor and had to struggle they might have found something common to share. She checked up the neatly packed suitcases. She had picked and chosen to pack carefully only the things she required for her immediate living. Most of her sober clothes have been handpicked from the possession of the rich and gaudy dresses she had come to have as Mrs. Desai. Soon she would be in Sanfronsico. Her sister Namrata had got a job for her as governess to Mr. Tailors daughter whom she had met personally a couple of times while at States.

Her reverie was broken by the chime of the doorbell. Who could it be? Mr. Desai always let himself in with the keys from his briefcase. She opened the door to be greeted by the uniformed attendants of the hospital. She could only half hear the apologetic words of the attendant `Sorry Ma’m Mr. Desai had a massive heart attack, luckily he is alive in the intensive care unit’. Soon she was whisked by Mr. Desais colleague to the hospital. Racing through the well-lit corridors smelling of anesthetic and allopathic drugs, strangely she found her heart thumping with anxiety, inspite of her recent resolution to cut off the bonds of marriage forever, here she was in the corridors of the intensive care unit. Through the glass doors she saw her handsome husband lying pathetic against the white sheets. A plethora of tubes were attached to his body carrying perhaps the life saving fluids, while Mr. Desai lay helpless there, eyes closed under heavy sedation.

As Savita gazed at him for a long time standing rooted there, her rebellion seemed to melt away like the mornings dew. After weeks stay in the hospital Mr. Desai was discharged in to the charge of Savita with scores of instructions by the doctors attending. She carefully took note of Desai’s regimen as to the medicines, kind of food to be given, the daily needs of walks and exercises. Savita once again started waiting on Mr. Desai but now with a difference, now Desai did not look through Savita but looked in to her eyes with a depth of understanding and tenderness.

Suddenly the wide chasm between them seems to have closed. A rub with the ultimate had sent a new vision in to their lives. As the days passed, Desai free of his business commitment started seeing Savita in a new light. Their planning of each day, morning walks, partaking together of lunch and dinners cemented their marital boat to such extend that now it was ready to sail even rough seas. One peril had to undo another.